Crazy Shrink
Dr. Niehaus: Hi Beth, good to meet you, my name is Dr. Niehaus. Right off the bat, I just want you to know that this is a safe space. I am not here to judge. Everything you say will stay within these walls, unless of course I feel you are in harm’s way. You are free to say as much or as little as you want. Again, I just want to stress that I will never judge you.
Beth: Nice to meet you, Dr. Niehaus. I’ve had a pretty rough go lately, so I’m probably going to have too much to say, if anything.
Dr. Niehaus: I’ve had some pretty chatty patients, so you wouldn’t be the first. Go right ahead.
Beth: Well, my parents are getting a divorce right now. It’s been pretty tough. I know I’m living on my own and I shouldn’t feel this affected by it, but it’s just hard, you know?
Dr. Niehaus: No, actually. My parents were killed by religious leaders immediately after I was born. I never had parents.
Beth: Oh - oh my gosh. I- I am so sorry for your loss.
Dr. Niehaus: Yeah, it’s okay. Anyways though.
Beth: Yeah, okay, well. They’ve been married for twent-
Dr. Niehaus. You know, because I never had parents, I’ve always felt a loss. But it isn’t the type you’re probably feeling. In fact, it’s worse. It’s more of this nagging loss. It just takes control of every aspect of my life.
Beth: I’m so sorry Dr. Niehaus, do you want to talk about this? Or should I get someone?
Dr. Niehaus: No, no, I’m fine. I just was trying to put your pain in perspective. Sorry for interrupting though, please continue.
Beth: Okay. Well, I grew up an only child, so I had a pretty lonely upbringing. My parents were my best friends.
Dr. Niehaus: You know what? Not only did I not have parents, but I didn’t have friends. I wasn’t actually introduced to civilization until I was 19. I raised myself in the woods. Yeah, I guess you could say I was pretty lonely too.
Beth: Oh wow, in the woods? Okay, well, as I was saying. Being lonely my whole life sort of caused me to have this weird co-dependence with my parents-
Dr. Niehaus: You think you’re co-dependent? I literally grew up without ever leaving the side of a muskrat I found near my sleeping hole in the forest. I tried to surgically conjoin us to ensure he’d never leave my side. Look at my scar. The only reason I even left the forest was because he died.
Beth: I - don’t know what I’m supposed to do right now. Also, wait, can muskrats even live 19 years?
Dr. Niehaus: You lost the plot, you daft cow. What planet do we live on where muskrats live 19 years? I found him when I was 15. And, since you were so keen to bring him up, I literally have burn marks on my fingers from when I tried to cremate his body. It was the dead of winter, right after a snowstorm, and the fire kept blowing in my face before going out. The weeks I spent trekking out of the forest, I went without food, water, and sleep. Even oxygen at certain points. You do realize I had to teach myself the English language from the echoes of distant hikers, right? It’s interesting, you know, to hear people talk about their modern struggles. Boy, what I would give to have divorced parents. What I would give to feel the stress of not living up to my parent’s expectations. You know what I dealt with instead? E. Coli, six times. Leprosy. Diptheria. Scarlet fever. You name it. I didn’t know poop could be solid until I was 25. But really, Beth, tell me more about your parent’s divorce and your all-too-intense friendship with them.
Beth: I- Was that rhetori-?
A timer dings
Dr. Niehaus: Ah, well, our session is up. Great work today, I think we’ve made some real progress. I’m proud of you. Will I be seeing you next week?