I recently downloaded the app ‘citizen’. Basically, it’s just alerts you anytime there’s a crime nearby. It also gives you a map of your city so you can scroll through various assaults and arsons around town. And of course, it also doubles as a social media platform, as it should. Finally, about time someone came up with that! You can follow friends and share videos of shootings and such - in real time! Once you run out of rapes and kidnappings on your block - though, that’s pretty hard in New York - you can head to one of your friend’s profiles to see what crimes they’ve encountered. And once you’re done with that, you can make use of the comment section. Because, you know, that’s exactly what we need to be doing. It’s better than Instagram, honestly. I find it pretty lucrative. I’m planning on using Citizen as my path to internet stardom. It’s the next TikTok, I swear.
Anyway though, the comment sections are just wild. It’s nature show, and I enjoy narrating it Steve Irwin style. Often times its main inhabitants are angry conservatives bashing De Blasio. Now, It’s no secret that a lot of New Yorker’s don’t like Mayor De Blasio. Anytime there’s an unshoveled snow day, the words “thanks De Blasio” are about as unavoidable as Coronavirus. But really, Citizen takes it to a new extreme. People in the comments blame De Blasio for everything - and I mean everything. Man Spitting on People: “Thanks De Blasio.” Gas Odor in Building: “Thanks De Blasio” Woman Exposing Herself “Thanks De Blasio - for real this time.” I’ve also seen the least creative, god-awful name calling on the face of the earth. Examples include but are not limited to: Dumb-blasio, De Boob, and DeBla-stupid-eo.
Comments aside, I have this ineffable love for my Citizen notifications. Nothing in this world, except maybe childbirth, brings you as much joy as when you’re crying from college apps only to receive a notification announcing ‘Nude Man Running In Street’. (If you were wondering, I looked. Saw nothing) Every neighborhood walk becomes the Hunger Games when you are alerted that a man down the street has set fire to an Everest-sized stack of pillows, or when you’re sitting at an outdoor dinner and are receive ‘Gang with Guns marching down street” Of course, it’s always less fun to receive ‘two children abducted from hotel’, but we don’t need to dwell on that.
It’s fascinating, the way we’ve grown and changed throughout the years. I’d like to think that one hundred years ago, had we seen a fire-engulfed building on our way to the grocery store, or orange tree, or however people got food back then, we’d have stopped and helped. Carried pails of water to help our neighbors. Not anymore. I’ve literally stood in front of a burning building and took videos for my citizen app, and I was not alone. We are an ever-evolving species.
I’ve started an ‘assault series’ photo album in which I photograph every crime scene I encounter. My most recent addition: a selfie at the scene of an an iPad duel. As in, iPads were used as weapons of assault. In any case, I’m eternally thankful for this evolved use of social media, and I hope we remember this ‘ode to citizen’ when one of my robbery broadcasts go viral.